I was always told the film industry was the most impossible one to get into. But what can you do when there's nothing else in the world you want to do?
I sacrificed just about everything I had to move into film. I would under eat to save up for another day of food for my crew and cast, I would walk into the next town to save any fare on a bus or train so an actor got there on time, I would spend a whole day with a new crew member to get their confidence ready for the set, I would get into debt to rent an extra lens, lie to my bosses so I could fit in to someone else's schedule to film on, I would whore myself to productions that could give me a decent project on my showreel and travel hundreds of miles to attend interviews even if it was a mere assistant role. Almost 10 years have passed since my time at Met Film School, for what I still remember as being the biggest eye opener of my life. It is now 2017, I am 32 years old. I am living off scraps and the responses I get are absolutely insane!
The freelance life - Take it or leave it, had given me the chance to meet so many people and take part in so many things but when you can't make any plans you start looking for full-time work. Only... You realise the people who offer these positions regularly pay crap but expect insane amounts of knowledge. And so... for the past 2.5 years I entered the douchfest circus of full-time job hunting in film... I had no idea how ridiculous this was going to be...
My last rejection was the last straw! It was from a group called 'The Business Debate' based in North London that liked me so much that they gave me the job of Video Producer, shaking my hand and asking how soon I could start. I shook their hands and waited until I was on a quiet street to almost cry my eyes out. My 10 year battle was over. I was going to come back for a studio induction and show them what I was made of the following week and off I went.
My parents were in touch, separated by the divorce since I was 1 or 2 years old enjoying the; "at last - thank Christ!" moment. I had my 1st night out with my dad in years, my mum took me out. The light was in my eyes at last. Someone had finally bothered to take the time to look at the work I had put in after all these years, I even started looking at flats in my new job's area and was excited to owning my own place again, being able to finally save up for the little things like a car a holiday or two.
STUPID ME - I got an email from their secretary basically saying they've had 2nd thoughts about the role and wished me all the best for the future.
Naturally, I called them and emailed them - no response.
I contacted the director who'd 1st contacted me - no response.
Once again... The dream was dead.
I've dealt with a plethora of rejections but this was the one that threw me into a depression where the same parents soon got to telling me maybe I should enter counselling or start a prescription when they saw my resulting condition.
The next thing to come along was an education possibility for Coventry University / FutureLearn where I would act as their leading audio / visual guy for 40k+, which would have been been better anyway but despite reaching 2nd stage interview it was ANOTHER interview I would rewind and I honestly couldn't tell you what went wrong.
I can't continue with the lack of comfort in my life, not knowing where my rent comes from, what budget do I have for shopping this week... Will I have one? Do I get to see my friend(s) somewhere I haven't seen in X amount of time... Do they even believe I'm even worth keeping on their friend list anymore when I'm never around?
It reaches July and I saw more student related posts and articles about great "grades" in their media related courses and I think I should have worked in graphic design or some social media related profession... Maybe I would have been better off.
With great reluctance, I am leaving film and not returning until someone makes me a serious offer from here on in. I feel exhausted, frustrated and humiliated. I have chosen to leave the UK and use my language teaching qualification to start working abroad and travel before film takes any more from me. Teaching English to kids as young as 3 years old in Vietnam is the furthest thing away from where I am or what I planned for my life... I just hope I find something to hold onto!
Its funny what people you attract into your life when they finally realise the truth of how fucked your life got. I've had some charming people I've mentored message me about how gutted they are about me leaving and I feel terrible. The whole thing has thrown me into a place where I feel inadequate and unvalued. Why fight for something that takes away more than it gives?
I'll always be a filmmaker! I feel what you feel! We walk by an interesting place, we think about what story we'd script around it, we see a good cast or crew person, we look for the quickest excuse to make contact and make up a project we wanna work on with them, we watch a trashy film, we wanna gather with other filmmakers and gas about the problems and how we'd fix it ourselves, wrapping on that final shot of a film we're working on which gives us all that disgusted elated feeling to do another one as soon as its over.
However, it just feels like something I've got to start trying ignore for a while as its ripped me apart from so many friends and relationships and now even myself.
On this note guys... The journey just veered into a nightmare!
I dare turn another page after all these years. The idea was to endure the marathon and inspire people to endure the hard times I could prove were all but a part of the bullshit. I can't continue to do that anymore as I'm finally starting to believe that I may be misleading you.
Unless I find something to prove otherwise, this may be the last time I find myself here. I strongly urge those of you to get themselves a backup profession to deter any bad luck film may send you, otherwise I want to wish you the best of luck and succeed where I clearly failed. In either case, I love you for trying - If there were more of you out there, maybe this post wouldn't exist.
